Me and my brothers, Chris, and Joseph were walking. Everything was quite when suddenly I ask, “Why do we have to move” Joseph said “Because of our dad factory.” Then I saw Chris opening the door with his keys. Then everything was quite again. Me and my brothers, Chris, and Joseph were walking. Everything was quite when suddenly I ask, “Why do we have to move” Joseph said “Because of our dad factory.” Then I saw Chris opening the door with his keys. Then everything was quite again.

There were two students in the classroom. The classroom was quiet as if there’s nobody inside. 10:31…10:32…10:33… The only one moving thing was hands of clock. Finally I broke the quite moment, “Did you have friend at your previous school, or like now?”
Kazuki opened her mouth, “Actually I had a best friend at my previous school. I think I should explain this first. Umm… Okay,

I like this scene because there are
many expression, such as broke the ice.

“RING!” The bell rang briefly and everybody took their bags and ran to there houses. I slowly walked to my house and Smith ran to me, looked excited and happy. I thought he was Engel at first. He was GLOWING! I was pretty surprised. “Hi, Smith. Why are you so excited today? Are you going somewhere?” I asked and Smith panted. Without answering my question, he handed me the black stone.“Lucky stone?” I said and looked at him. He nodded and I smiled.“Where did you find it?” “At the deep dark stream.” I smiled and give it to him. “You keep it, Smith. I realized that I could do anything without it.” He looked at me, so shocked. I smiled again and put my……… oh, put his lucky stone on his hand.He smiled brightly. And my heart bumped happily.

I like this part of my story because this part
of my story sums up the story and tells the moral.
Also, I added a lots of details so it might
look good.

This is the part I think I did well”Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!” school bell rang louder then thunder. ”Recess guys and make sure wear your hat when you’re in field!” shouted our teacher, Mr. Alison, to make sure. Lincoln went outside waiting for something. When the all the students and teacher got out Lincoln slip inside the classroom. He was quiet as a mouse. He carefully looked around to check if sight was clear. He looks for a bright yellow cubby that had coin. When he found it, he cautiously took out two handful of classroom money. There was no difference even he took handful of classroom money out. He put the classroom money on his table and slowly counted them. It was $10.50. This is enough for my sale.
I think I did this part well because I had good description and I did show not tell (this is what I think Can you tell what you think Mrs.Mongno).

“Ring, ring, ring” the phone rang one afternoon as I rushed out of my room and answered the phone.
“Hello ma am, who do you want to talk to?” I asked,
“Oh yes hello, I want to talk to a girl name Laura.” Someone answered.
“Hey! That’s me!” I told the office lady.
“So then, CONGRATULATIONS! You passed our test! You are now attending Hotdog International School! I know the school name is quite weird, but just ignore it. So, the school will be starting tomorrow morning…I hope that you’re well prepared ok? Now, good bye.” The office lady at the Hotdog International School responded.
“But I…didn’t prepare anything yet…” I told the office lady, but too late, she had already hung up.

And that’s my scene! Bye

@ Soo-Hyun I can tell that this is your last scene and that you are resolving the character’s problem that he has had throughout the story. And it looks like not only did your main character change, but also the bully in the story changed too. Is that right?

@ Malou, your setting, dialogue and small actions anchor the reader in the story. They put us right there with Amy and Lisa, just waiting to see what will happen next!

@ Angie, we can certainly see that your main character’s problems are escalating! It seems like Emily is trying to ignore Tess, but Tess is not going to let that happen. Can’t wait to see what happens next!
PS Angie, may I suggest that instead of writing
….I walked off happily with an internal feelings of laughter, that instead you write
…..I walked off happily laughing.
That way you include another action that we the reader can visualize happening.

@ Erika is this the ending of your story? We can see that your character is resolving her feelings toward her Kindergarten reading buddy, and is planning on how she will make the relationship work. Is that right?
I’m not exactly sure though where the girls are or where they are going after they leave the classroom. Some more setting details here would really help to anchor your readers in your story. I can’t wait to read the next draft!

@ Ayu your lead pulls your reader right into your story, and your setting details allow the reader to be right there with Isabel and Lia. We also can see that you are developing the main character’s problem. Keep up the good work!

Isabel could see Lia walk slowly in to the back yard with her doll held tightly in her arm. Isabel, her older sister and her friends were playing with their dolls on the picnic table. Isabel waited till she came.
“What Lia?” Isabel asked meanly.
“Could I Play together?” Lia asked softly.
“No way Lia!” shouted Isabel. “You aren’t going to play with us!” Isabel cried in surprise even though this was happening all the time. Isabel laughed very hard, and then her friends start to laugh to.
Lia’s tears fell from her cheeks. “I’m going to tell Mom, Isabel!” she exclaimed. Her tears fell again. “I don’t even have a friend, you have many friends. You know that my best friend Lindy left to London,Please!” Lia said sadly.
Before Lia could say any thing more Isabel remember about her friend Samantha Casey Bridge, Isabel talked up, ”Okay, sure.”

“Bye, Connie. See you next time,” I said to Connie when I was about to go out of the classroom. I was thinking about my reading buddy, that I couldn’t concentrate on reading a book. I thought she was having fun, but if she wasn’t, what can I do? I was thinking back about the time when I was reading a book in the library. I was thinking about it while walking beside the playground, next to Lily. I was thinking about my reading buddy again, that I couldn’t listen to what Lily said.
“Are you okay, Holly?” Lily repeated. I was okay, but it took about a minute to answer.
“Yeah, I’m okay. I was just thinking about my reading buddy, and I decided to work harder,” I answered.
“I always said that I ‘m going to work harder, and it is easy to say, but hard to do it,” I whispered. I didn’t know if Lily heard it, but I just smiled. And Lily smiled back, so we looked at each other, and ran up the stairs. “But then, I thought that Connie isn’t that bad. But she won’t never reach Rommie,” I thought when I was about to open the door. I don’t know why, but the big smile ran through my face. I was picturing about Connie and I was working great, and that we were the best reading buddies in the whole world. It might not be a ‘BEST’, but at least, we are not the worst.