Anchor Us In Your Scene!
April 24th, 2009
You are all developing your realistic fiction short stories and are doing a fabulous job!
Let’s see how you are "anchoring your reader" in your scenes so that the reader is there with your main character and can actually see the movie in their minds as your scene unfolds.
Choose a scene you feel you have done a good job of creating the setting. It should be one where you have also used dialogue and small actions to show, where the character/s are, and what they are doing.
Write that scene on our blog and let’s see if we are there with you!
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Here is one of my scenes. Can you tell where it is taking place and what my character is thinking and doing?
Lucy gazed out the classroom window, her pencil resting on her blank test paper. Her thoughts were a whirlwind. “What if Alder makes the squad and I don’t? That would not be fair! I’m the one who really wants to be a cheerleader. Why did I talk her into trying out? Why?” Lucy scolded herself yet again. She never realized when convincing Alder to try out that it might come in the way of their friendship. Never realized that Alder might make the squad and she might not.
“Excuse me, what did you say Mrs. Alfonso?”
Lucy returned her gaze to the front of the classroom and saw her teacher scribbling her name on the whiteboard. “What? Why is my name up there on the detention list?” Lucy called out. She began to panic. Mrs. Alfonso, her 6th grade Math teacher, continued writing on the board, paying no attention to Lucy’s questions.
Here is the lead of my story.
“Maria wake up! We only have 5 more minutes until the bus comes to pick you up!” Maria’s mom shouted upstairs from downstairs while snatching Maria’s lunch bag from the kitchen and pushing it in the big square Nike bag that was light pink. “What is going on here? Did something explode, or erupt?” Maria’s Brother Mike opened his bedroom door and dragged him self to downstairs. “Ahhh…” Mike yawned and snatched his brown messy hair angrily. “Maria is not awake yet? I thought she already went to the Girl’s summer Rugby training camp or whatever it is” Mike blurted out and laid on the sofa while switching on the TV. “Mike! Can you go upstairs to Maria’s room and wake her up? I already told her that, but she didn’t come down” mom sputtered out while putting Maria’s toothbrush and toothpaste in her baggage. “Why me?” Mike groaned but he trudged to upstairs into Maria’s room and came back to downstairs with a skinny girl with black straight hair on his back. “Wake up!” Mike yelled and threw Maria on the sofa. “Ouch! What’s going on?” Maria squeaked like a squirrel and sat up. “Hurry up Maria! Get dressed!” Mom said and threw green uniform and black pants to her. At first she froze because she had no idea what’s going on, but all of the sudden she felt something is crawling up on her and click, she remembered what day was today. Today is training camp day, she said to herself with fear. “What’s your problem weirdo? You don’t know how to dress up your self?” Mike laughed crazy when Maria was frozen up with fear and forgot to change her cloth. “Of Corse I know” Maria said back to Mike even thought it was a weak voice like an ant talking. Maria quickly took of her pajamas and wore her uniform and pants as fast as she could. She didn’t wanted to go but something made her go to the camp. Something, it was Mike, a person who thinks Maria is a weak kid who can’t go somewhere alone. “Let’s go Maria! The bus is coming soon!” mom sputtered and hurried to outside while grabbing Maria on her arm and snatching her big Nike bag. Boo! The bus came just in time when she opened the door. “Hello Maria!” her coach came out of the bus and took Maria in the bus. “Bye my dear I’ll miss you! Have fun” her mom waved her from outside of the bus and the bus started to move again. “Oh no! I’m moving away!” Maria gasped in her heart and felt her face getting pale. “I’m going to the camp, oh no” she sighted. She put her forehead on the window and fell into sleep.
Next day, a gloomy, dark day lost from sun. When I walked to school, a street sweeper smiled at me and said hi. I also did and talked about yesterday situation.
“Good for you!” He laughed. Then he hummed and keep sweeping. It was first time that I saw he laughed so I didn’t want to disturb him. So I just kept walk to school.
When I went inside my class, Joon-pyo was standing next to teacher’s desk and being scolded from teacher.
“Hi~I!”
It was first time that everyone said hi to me, first.
“Hi… Hi… Hi~I!”
I replied a lot and checked my ears.
Happiness covered all my face and I couldn’t stop smiling.
I swallowed and asked to girl who said hi first to me.
“Where is Joon-pyo?”
I knew it’s not the truth. A girl looked at Joon-pyo. So I said thank you to her. Suddenly, Joon-pyo walked to me and said sorry 3 times and then he took his bag from his desk. Everyone looked at him or tapped his shoulder twice but he ignored them and walked outside.
Few minutes later, everyone shouted and the boy that said bad word to me when I came here first, stood up, shouted again,
“Yeah! Everyone said, yeah~!”
Everyone smiled except three boys, who were the best friends with Joon-pyo.
“Shu-sh!”
Teacher shouted but class got more noise. But the laughing didn’t stop forever, ever, never.
I’m kind of not sure that this scene shows that where is my character and what is he doing?
And I picked last scene because it was not my best one but I couldn’t choose the best one so I just picked this las scene.
Hi Ms.Mongno,
My story is called Moving, this is the lead of my story.
“Ring!” the school bell rang, and we could go home. Amy walked to the bus with her best friend Lisa.
“Do you want to go to my house?” Lisa asked grabbing Amy’s hand.
“Sorry I can’t, I really want to, and anyways I have a lot of homework, so sorry,” Amy answered sadly tilting her head down.
“We can ride the bus together,” Amy said, grabbing Lisa’s other hand.
“Ok great,” Lisa replied happily holding Amy’s hands tight. They rode home from school and when Lisa had to get of Amy yelled good-by. Lisa yelled good-by back. Amy sat in the bus alone, waiting for the bus to stop, so she could get off.
“Ahhh!” I yawned putting my hand on my mouth, I was in Mr. Roderick’s class for 20 minutes and nothing exciting happened at all. I was waiting to be dismissed by him, and my stomach is aching every seconds. I wish I could go out for lunch but because of detention, I have to stay in.
“Is it time?” I asked Mr. Roderick tiredly and hungrily, looking at him so sleepy.
“Umm, just in a minute,” he said looking at his watch carefully, then I turned to Tess who also got detention as well and then she looked at me and make a face. But I ignored her, because I didn’t quite care about her so much now.
“Ok, Emily dismiss,” Mr. Roderick mumbled and I walked off happily with an internal feelings of laughter. I went to the cafeteria as quick as I could, but luckily that there’s 20minutes left. Sometimes I took my whole time in the cafeteria eating and sitting there doing nothing, because being outside is too hot for me. The bell rang for class time.
“Huh, feel so good today,” I talk to myself jogging cheerfully to the class room, then in that moment…
“Hey, you!” someone said tapping on my shoulder, I turned back… It was Tess, who’s trying to fight me back secretly.
“What?” I asked her a little bit confused.
“Nothing!” she said turned back try being innocence and in purpose stepped on my foot.
‘What!’ I said to myself, and looked at Tess’s back crossing her eyebrows. The second bell rang for class now, I rapidly walked to class not caring about the others around me, just running for no another detention.
Hi, Ms.M. I know where it is taking place! In the Math class! So it is yur turn to answer.
This is my ending of my story. I don’t know if it is good, but I think I included many dialogue and small action. Can you tell where it is taking place? I think i am not good at writing story, so I need some advice. Please write any comments or advices for me if you think of something about my story. And here it is!
“Bye, Connie. See you next time,” I said to Connie when I was about to go out of the classroom. I was thinking about my reading buddy, that I couldn’t concentrate on reading a book. I thought she was having fun, but if she wasn’t, what can I do? I was thinking back about the time when I was reading a book in the library. I was thinking about it while walking beside the playground, next to Lily. I was thinking about my reading buddy again, that I couldn’t listen to what Lily said.
“Are you okay, Holly?” Lily repeated. I was okay, but it took about a minute to answer.
“Yeah, I’m okay. I was just thinking about my reading buddy, and I decided to work harder,” I answered.
“I always said that I ‘m going to work harder, and it is easy to say, but hard to do it,” I whispered. I didn’t know if Lily heard it, but I just smiled. And Lily smiled back, so we looked at each other, and ran up the stairs. “But then, I thought that Connie isn’t that bad. But she won’t never reach Rommie,” I thought when I was about to open the door. I don’t know why, but the big smile ran through my face. I was picturing about Connie and I was working great, and that we were the best reading buddies in the whole world. It might not be a ‘BEST’, but at least, we are not the worst.
Hi, Mrs.Mongno!
This is my Grbbing lead, please give me comments!
Isabel could see Lia walk slowly in to the back yard with her doll held tightly in her arm. Isabel, her older sister and her friends were playing with their dolls on the picnic table. Isabel waited till she came.
“What Lia?” Isabel asked meanly.
“Could I Play together?” Lia asked softly.
“No way Lia!” shouted Isabel. “You aren’t going to play with us!” Isabel cried in surprise even though this was happening all the time. Isabel laughed very hard, and then her friends start to laugh to.
Lia’s tears fell from her cheeks. “I’m going to tell Mom, Isabel!” she exclaimed. Her tears fell again. “I don’t even have a friend, you have many friends. You know that my best friend Lindy left to London,Please!” Lia said sadly.
Before Lia could say any thing more Isabel remember about her friend Samantha Casey Bridge, Isabel talked up, ”Okay, sure.”
@ Mio you have done a great job of letting the reader know what your character’s problem is and how she is feeling about going to camp. I feel like I am there with Maria on the bus!
@ Soo-Hyun I can tell that this is your last scene and that you are resolving the character’s problem that he has had throughout the story. And it looks like not only did your main character change, but also the bully in the story changed too. Is that right?
@ Malou, your setting, dialogue and small actions anchor the reader in the story. They put us right there with Amy and Lisa, just waiting to see what will happen next!
@ Angie, we can certainly see that your main character’s problems are escalating! It seems like Emily is trying to ignore Tess, but Tess is not going to let that happen. Can’t wait to see what happens next!
PS Angie, may I suggest that instead of writing
….I walked off happily with an internal feelings of laughter, that instead you write
…..I walked off happily laughing.
That way you include another action that we the reader can visualize happening.
@ Erika is this the ending of your story? We can see that your character is resolving her feelings toward her Kindergarten reading buddy, and is planning on how she will make the relationship work. Is that right?
I’m not exactly sure though where the girls are or where they are going after they leave the classroom. Some more setting details here would really help to anchor your readers in your story. I can’t wait to read the next draft!
@ Ayu your lead pulls your reader right into your story, and your setting details allow the reader to be right there with Isabel and Lia. We also can see that you are developing the main character’s problem. Keep up the good work!
Today was a bad day. My mom called me from the living room; she said that she has “good” news to tell me.
I ran down stairs, and asked my mom with a big smile.
“What is the good news?” I asked.
“Pete, your father told us that we are going to move to a new state!” mom stood up from the sofa and said to me, she looked happy.
“Whaaaaat! Did you just say that we are going to a new state?” I said with a surprise and awful face.
“I hate that, I’m going to a new school, going to have new friends. Every thing is new!” I shouted to my mom, and punched the sofa.
“Stop complains, we are moving because your father’s job, you are going to make and know more friends at the new state where we are going to move! Isn’t that nice?” mom yelled to me, she stood up; this was my first time I heard mom was like that angry.
Then I ran up stairs, slammed my door really loud. “Peter!” my shouted to me.
“That is just unfair!” I shouted louder than my mom, “I hate my mom!”
Actually, I didn’t change the situation, so we moved.
Hi Mrs.M.!
This scene is a little short, but that’s okay right?
“Ring, ring, ring” the phone rang one afternoon as I rushed out of my room and answered the phone.
“Hello ma am, who do you want to talk to?” I asked,
“Oh yes hello, I want to talk to a girl name Laura.” Someone answered.
“Hey! That’s me!” I told the office lady.
“So then, CONGRATULATIONS! You passed our test! You are now attending Hotdog International School! I know the school name is quite weird, but just ignore it. So, the school will be starting tomorrow morning…I hope that you’re well prepared ok? Now, good bye.” The office lady at the Hotdog International School responded.
“But I…didn’t prepare anything yet…” I told the office lady, but too late, she had already hung up.
And that’s my scene! Bye
Hello, Mrs.Mongno
This is the part I think I did well”Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!” school bell rang louder then thunder. ”Recess guys and make sure wear your hat when you’re in field!” shouted our teacher, Mr. Alison, to make sure. Lincoln went outside waiting for something. When the all the students and teacher got out Lincoln slip inside the classroom. He was quiet as a mouse. He carefully looked around to check if sight was clear. He looks for a bright yellow cubby that had coin. When he found it, he cautiously took out two handful of classroom money. There was no difference even he took handful of classroom money out. He put the classroom money on his table and slowly counted them. It was $10.50. This is enough for my sale.
I think I did this part well because I had good description and I did show not tell (this is what I think Can you tell what you think Mrs.Mongno).
Hello Ms.Mongno!
My scene is this :
“RING!” The bell rang briefly and everybody took their bags and ran to there houses. I slowly walked to my house and Smith ran to me, looked excited and happy. I thought he was Engel at first. He was GLOWING! I was pretty surprised. “Hi, Smith. Why are you so excited today? Are you going somewhere?” I asked and Smith panted. Without answering my question, he handed me the black stone.“Lucky stone?” I said and looked at him. He nodded and I smiled.“Where did you find it?” “At the deep dark stream.” I smiled and give it to him. “You keep it, Smith. I realized that I could do anything without it.” He looked at me, so shocked. I smiled again and put my……… oh, put his lucky stone on his hand.He smiled brightly. And my heart bumped happily.
I like this part of my story because this part
of my story sums up the story and tells the moral.
Also, I added a lots of details so it might
look good.
Hi, Ms.Mongo.
This is my scene:
There were two students in the classroom. The classroom was quiet as if there’s nobody inside. 10:31…10:32…10:33… The only one moving thing was hands of clock. Finally I broke the quite moment, “Did you have friend at your previous school, or like now?”
Kazuki opened her mouth, “Actually I had a best friend at my previous school. I think I should explain this first. Umm… Okay,
I like this scene because there are
many expression, such as broke the ice.
This is my scene:
Me and my brothers, Chris, and Joseph were walking. Everything was quite when suddenly I ask, “Why do we have to move” Joseph said “Because of our dad factory.” Then I saw Chris opening the door with his keys. Then everything was quite again. Me and my brothers, Chris, and Joseph were walking. Everything was quite when suddenly I ask, “Why do we have to move” Joseph said “Because of our dad factory.” Then I saw Chris opening the door with his keys. Then everything was quite again.