Catch’em Leads!
March 24th, 2008
We are working hard on our fiction stories! We have written serveral leads, choosen one and now we are continuing to revise it. Why? Because we want to “hook” our readers and make our beginnings so interesting that they will want to keep on reading!
Share the lead that you have written so far. After you write your lead, comment on what you have done in your lead to make it really interesting. Have you used dialogue, or small actions? Have you included setting details so the reader knows where your story in happening?
How have you “hooked” us?
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“Alder, over here! Look! Here is the sign up sheet! Come on!”Lucy shouted, pulling Alder’s arm and dragging her toward the bulletin board with the sign up sheet posted on it.
“Sign up for what?” Alder asked trailing behind, mystified as to what her best friend was so excited about.
“Tryouts! Cheerleading tryouts! I”m going to try out for the cheerleading squad.” Lucy announced, her enthusiasm bubbling over.
“Awesome! gasped Alder. “Do you think you can make the squad?”
“Why not?” Lucy retorted writing her name with large black letters on the sign up sheet. “I’m as good as anyone else going out. Why shouldn’t I make it?”
Lucy twirled around and pushed the pen at Alder. “What about you Alder? You should try out too! We could both do it! We could be cheerleaders together! Lucy grabbed her friend by the shoulders and looked her in the eyes. “Come on Alder! Do you want to? Do you want to try out too?”
“Do you think I should Lucy?” Alder asked, eyes round and full of wonder. “Do you think I could make the squad too?”
“Sure you can!” Don’t be a “Fraidy Cat!” Just sign the sheet and we’ll do it together.” Lucy answered pushing the pen into Alder’s hand. “For sure you can make the squad!”
“Okay! Here goes!” giggled Alder as snatched the pen turned to the paper.
Lucy pointed to the line as Alder signed, then glanced over her shoulder at the hallway clock. “Yikes Alder! We’re going to be late!” Lucy exclaimed. She grabbed her friend’s hand and together they sprinted off down the hall towards their math class, just as the late bell rang.
Author’s comment:
I tried very hard to alternate dialogue with small actions to put the reader right in the scene with the characters. I know that too much dialogue makes a story boring, so I’m trying to be careful to include action either before or after each character speaks. After rereading this I think that I need to go back and include small setting details so the reader knows where the two girls are and what is happening in the hallway as they are talking. I think I need to describe the hallway setting a bit more. What do you think?
“Hello Alice! So did you find anything new yet? I asked her with full of wonder. I was so exciting about this research. I even bothered to sleep at 11pm to find some more about China. It was so exciting, because if you get the best score, you will get some extra credit and you will get special prize.
“What do you think?” alice squeaked.
“I knew it! You didn’t find anything new yet! Right!” I yelled at her in sassy voice.
Alice murmured. “Ummm….Amy… I…I’m so…SORRY!”
There was no way Alice saying ‘sorry. Because she always found samethings again and again and easy-peasy basic things.
“Don’t be so mean to her.” Katie interrupted.
As I heard her saying that, I walked away from her in fast walking speed. My head was full of madness. How could Alice found the same thing for over a week!!! As I walk up to the classroom, I kicked the rock which was in my way. At up stair, as I passed Alice’s bag, I suddenly wanted to kick that. I wanted to harm her as best as I can. So I kicked her bag as hard as I can. When I was kicking, I hoped that something in her bag has been broken. Because I didn’t care about it. I forgot about our very own friendship key ring. It was proving that me and Alice were best friends. Purple and orange key ring with Amy and Alice on it. That key ring was hanging at her bag. But I ignore it. I kicked her bag.
As I kicked her bag with my madness, freakey Mrs.Froze walk toward me…
JY’s comment:
I thought it is quiet good! Because I use some dialogue and I tried to make image in reader’s mine!
If you have any comment about my lead, please write it down, or tell me!!!
Thanks =]
Wha, wha, what in the hell! It is already feburary 9th! Jack am leaving in 3 more days!
“Ring!” The school bell rang. Jack was starting to miss everybody that Jack know in Japan. Because Jack was heading to America on feb. 11th! He went back to his home with tears full in his eye. Then he saw his dad, waiting for him to come back. jack was crying and also his dad. But Jack’s dad wasn’t cring about leaving. He was crying because his mother died. So we are going to a funerul.
Hiro’s comment.
:0 
I tried to put many action and dialogue, it became none dialogeus and many action. when i started this fiction writing, I felt lonely. thats where my story came from. i was very excited about writing fiction, but it was hard for me to put some action in the story.
In the middle of the night, Jess dreamed that his parent are getting divorce, but they didn’t tell him. He was very shocked!
This was my lead. I think, atleast gave a clue about what was going to happen next. And somehow I put abit of action at the last sentence. But I didn’t put dialoge. At about the quarter of the story I put because I wanted to decribe the main character and what was happening in the story.
Friday afternoon Zach was walking home from school.
As he was passing by the soccer field he saw his P.E teacher announcing that there was going to be a big soccer game in the school on Saturday.
He went to the ticket booth and bought a ticket for him and his best friend Johnny.
Zach walked slowly home hoping that his dad would say that he could go, knowing that he didn’t have his homework done.
“Dad, dad!” shouted Zach running in from the back door.“
There is going to be a big soccer game on Saturday, and I already brought the ticket, so may I go?” asked Zach.
“No son.” exclaimed Mr. Robson.
“But dad why not?” questioned Zach.
“Remember you promised me that you were going to finish your home work right after school?” said Mr. Robson.
“Oh yeah! Oh man!” cried Zach sitting on the sofa.
I tried really hard to make my story good with dialogue,setting detail and small action. I don’t want to put so much dialogue because it makes the story bored. i don’t want it to be really really good, but good enough to make the readers keep reading my story
Mrs.M i really like your story its really good and the dialogue is perfect.
I think you really should make the 2 girl get the chance to be a cheerleaders for the school
GREAT ACTION
Lau, thank you for your comment on my story. It would be great if both girls got to be cheerleaders, but, in real life everything doesn’t always have a happy ending. I’ll share the ending of my story with you all next week and your can give me feedback, okay?
Ji Yoon, you have some great ideas for a story, but I’m confused about where all the talking is happening. I think you should do as Lau did in his story and go back and put in small actions after each person talks and some setting details. That would make it easier for the reader to follow your story.
Hiro you didn’t write anything about what Jack did or how he felt when he found out his mother diedl Who told Jack? Was his mother sick? It sounds like it will be an interesting story. Remember to add details.
Everyone, please go back and reread what you write. I see so many mistakes in everyone writing.!
Ms. M.
My heart thumped so hard I could hear it. I saw tall people, fancy hairstyles and grown-ups things out of the car window with my very own brown eyes. This is so cool! I thought to myself. I had always thought middle school was boring, but I changed my mind.
I flew the black car door opened and waved to Dad, “Good luck, Son” Dad said, turning to me. Then he turned back to the front car window. Dad is a businessman. He is very busy. This was the sixth time he dropped me to school. He only dropped me to school on first days of school. I watched the black Toyota disappeared slowly.
My comment:
I have used dialogue and small actions and I’ve put details that shows the setting. So I think this is okay. If you think I need to add something, just tell (please)!
Hi Anisa!
I am right there with your character being dropped off for school. I love your description. I want to know though, how he is feeling. Is he sad, lonely? It sounds like he is excited to be going to school, but I’m not really sure how he is feeling. Also, where is the school? Is it a boarding school where he’ll stay, or will he go back home every night? I can’t wait to read more!
Ms. M.
MY LEAD:
“Really??” said Anne who was 13.
She held up her black camera and jumped around her bed with her pink phone still on her ears. She threw her phone on her bed and ran to her parent’s room. She opened the white door quickly and yelled, “MOM!!!” but her mom was not there.
“What the…” Anne gasped.
Her 1st maid ran to her and said, “Something wrong??” Anne nodded and said, “I have to call Mom! I have to call MOM!” and she ran to the 1st floor. She picked up the phone and pressed the number button.
“Hel—”
“Mom, youknowthatIamsooooooooohappynow? Iheard—”
“Anne, can you calm down? I think your mood is hyper then happy.”
“MOM!!!”
Then Anne told everything that she heard.
“Alright, Anne do you have the instruction sheet?”
“Mom, can we talk at home?”
“Ok, honey. Bye!”
Later, out the window Anne saw her mom and driver through the Lexus car window. She ran to the front door and said “MoM!!” then she ran to her mom bare feet on some rocks in front of her house.
“Mom, I finished writing the registration form. Here, look!” Anne held up her form near to her mom’s eyes that she can see. Then she took Anne’s paper. Her mom read the back, which was the instruction, that tells where and when to sign up and also what to do while they walked into the house.
“Sure. I think you can do it!”
My Comment to my self:
This is my lead. My main character in this scene is so excited and hyper about the competition.
I tried to put lots of dialogue in so my character seems realistic.Also I didn’t say she was hyper or excited but I tried to put details that helps to tell what emotions my character is. For example,”She held up her black camera and jumped around her bed with her pink phone still on her ears.” I think that is a good sentence because the readers can visualize and tell what is my character’s emotion.
(I hope I did not show off…)
I liked Ji-Yoon’s because her’s is easy to tell about their friendship before they had the China project. I think that scene sounded like the biggest provlem though. Because friendship is a big thing and kicking your friend’s bag in purpose is really mean and bad.
But nice lead Ji-Yoon!!!!
Hi! Thanks for the comments that you gave me!!!
First of all, I’ll try to clarify my story. So everyone can understand my story!!!
Cheryl, your lead is really exciting! I feel like jumping up and down with Anne. But I want to know what she is so excited about. You haven’t let us know why she is so excited. So I can’t wait to find out!
I love the dialogue and actions in your story!
Ms. M.
Today there was a math contest. Ralph who was in 6th grade waoke up. sunrise was coming over from the roof. He got his round glass on and weared his cloth. Today was the special day for him. he took his mother’s old car except for his bycycle. They arrived. They could hear the talkings from the entering center. Bunch of people was coming. Befor the mother had to goto her work she told him. ” focus only at the contest. Do your best work that’s all.” Than she gave him a big hug than drove her car to her work. Ralph entered to the stage. He promised to get the prize. ^^;;
Kie won’s coment:
I think my story can catch the reader’s eye’s. Because I used many settings and made it more detailed. I think I should use more actions at my lead because only with setting it is hard to catch reader’s atention.
I think I did a good job at the dialogue part(to me.) because if I use so many dialogues in the lead it makes the story boring. ~@~
This is my leed for my story which name I haven’t decited yet.
” Look who’s here! The poor pauper with nothing”, a girl in a bench called. The “pauper” was a girl with long black hair which was open floating in the warm breeze which came from the mountains that were called “Gold top mountains”, because they glew in the dark like a gold crown. The “pauper had chocolate brown eyes and skin as dark as a coconut. She was a lovely girl. You would think that she would hhave friends to porect her, but she didn’t. Her name was Jamamica.
Kirre,
Please comment of your lead. What did you do to “catch” your readers’ attention? It looks to me like you have some wonderful descriptive phrases. What else did you do? Ms. M.
Hi there Grade 5 in Bangkok! This is Mr. Navis, a 5th grade teacher at Hong Kong International School. You have a great page here with leads into your stories. We are going to start with some of the same in another week. Would it be alright with you if I was to use this page for some examples in my class?
Hi Mr. Navis!
Welcome to our blog. We agree that you are more than welcome to view our entries. You can even add your leads here if you like. We would love to make contact with your 5th graders! It would be wonderful to get feedback on our writing from your students! We would also love to read what your students are writing!
Join us! Blogging is great fun!
Ms. M and the 5th grade ESL students at International School Bangkok.
I thought that it might be good to start with actio so the reader might know the character better in the first place. I like using action as a leed because then I can start maybe in the middle of a fight or some other action. Action is my favorite leed right now.
“L…la…last…last place…”William Whispered to himself at the soccer field in the Victory elementary school. “How can we lose even if we are practicing EVERY SINGLE DAY!!??” He yelled out the soccer field to no one. Today was the soccer tournament for “Victorys” which is the team William is in. “We have another tournament on next Saturday but I think we will lose, Bill…” William told Bill. Then he went to home with a shock.
I tryed not to tell WHY William think he will lose next tournament so that the reader would think “why?” and read on. I didn’t use much small actions but I think I used enough dialoge. I hope I hook you…
This is a great idea! I like how you comment back on the student comment. What age are these students? They are speaking very good English, especially if it is your second language. Well done and great work.
Hi Anne,
We are really having fun blogging. My students are intermediate to advanced ESL 5th graders. And they are really doing well. Blogging makes reading and writing so much more fun…especially when we can read others’ writing and respond. We would love to have your students add entries to our Inspirational Sayings! Please join us!